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First day

Thursday 6 April 2006 – a day to be remembered for some time, a day where things sort of got out of hand, but not really…

I installed a program called Second Life today, after a good friend, Marla in Colorado, had tried to get me hooked on it. πŸ˜‰

Had a trip in there at the evening, had some fun flying away, walking under water, and plain old playing – was good to laugh.

But, I had a little harder time fixing up my virtual figure, but I think I had it good when I had to go downstairs for my husband and some other stuff.
Then, about 1,5 hours later I came back to the computer – just to see I had been logged out – got a little surprised.

So, I logged back in, this time to see several other new comers at the same island I was at, so I decided to go hide, didn’t sort of expect other people – see, I’m not very smart. πŸ™‚

Later I decided to go to the mainland or what ever it is called, not knowing all the moves and stuff I need/should do, but enough to walk/fly at least. πŸ™‚

My friend Marla sent me an IM when I had left the world again as I had to log out to see CSI: NY on the TV – so while Tore went to bed I let him sleep with his flu and decided to IM Marla back after I had a quick look around.

Of course, Marla beat me to it, and to make a short story long, I took her invitation and ended up at a strip club for a short talk and then was taken home to her place.
Naah, no such ideas, we are good friends and I was new and she wanted me to feel safe I guess.

Being there we talked a little, and Marla tried giving me some hints but suddenly another good friend of Marla shows up and I can see how they react together. πŸ˜‰

That friend was a wizard with the creation tools in the program, me, I found it a little hard as it was of the 3D perspective creation tool type while I prefer the parts where I have a top view, side view and so on…
Hate building in perspective as I have not that good control over my placement and looks.

But, there where coordinates involved, and after some trial and error I got some sort of a thing made – a simple table but not with the parts connected to each other as I hadn’t figured that out yet…

Meanwhile, Marla and Grett (think it was her name) had disappear so I went out looking for them – found them on the roof.
So far I had fun, but felt very small when I saw how fast and great Grett was working with the tools – no way in hell can I ever compete and do stuff like that.
Think Marla has way to much believe in me.

I do have an understanding, and while Marla was away making and eating dinner I was sort of stuck with Grett and not knowing how to deal with it I just said a few things (which I meant and felt), and was more or less happy she had to get busy making her self an hat for the job she and Marla had.

Since I didn’t wanna stand there look silly I had to try it my self, not being the most creative person around I just had to play with the shapes and see what would look kinda good…
But, I must admit I was having fun – and that I think is the main reason for being in that game, fun.

Grett seemed like a nice person, didn’t feel any insecure and while I was happy to have Marla back I didn’t really missed her either that much.

But, I had a hard time making that hat, trial and error ended with me getting near a hat, but Grett helped me with a flowery thing that almost looked like brain on top of my two shapes.
Thank you – was not that bad. πŸ™‚

Then, something was said, something was done to me, and while I can’t say I hated it (how can I, I didn’t feel it so πŸ˜‰ ) I was a little chocked and also honored in a strange way – but when I try say something my text didn’t came out.
Then it went into gray, and I was sort of locked out – and after wasting some time trying all I could think off I closed the program and reopen it again after a short time.

Only to find my self back at the place I was before Marla got hold of me. Nice place, was railroad tracks there… πŸ™‚

Marla had given me stuff, some useful, some to make fun at me I guess, and while exploring some of it Marla found me again and I tried getting back to her and ended at a club again.
Outside this time, but Marla came out and greeted me – thanks honey. πŸ™‚

She claimed she could teach me dancing in two seconds, dragged me inside on the floor and said something about a red box…
I didn’t see a red box, I saw two red globes or what ever they where, there where a large red box on the stage, but that had some sort of markings and seemed like something else.
I could see people saying hello, I was guessing it was to me but I was starting to feeling stressed out, out of place, uncomfortable, lost, anything and everything…

Which is very strange, because I was in a virtual world, virtual setting, and still I had all the reactions and thoughts, emotions like I have in the real world in such a situation or similar as that particular situation I never been at.

I removed my self from the dance floor – kinda like I did back in 1997/98 or someplace there when we lived in Belgium and a guy dragged me on the dance floor thinking he could make me dance just because he was very good at it.
I froze up then, I froze up now…

I wanted to run away, to hide, to get lost – and when another person tried helping me I felt even more lost, and embarrassed, and stupid because I had not read all the things in the help and remembering it, understanding it.

So, I more or less ran out the door, feeling really awful.

In real life this would been the last time I would have sat my foot there, and probably last time I would seen my frond for a long time, like it was now, it was a little easier as Marla gave me a few places I could get away from people.
So, we parted, I said good night and left.

Didn’t find what I wanted, but found a view out over water and sat down among the houses/structures and just closed the game.

Went to bed, but couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go write this feelings down.

Hence, this post.

I’m scared and fascinated how this game can bring forward all the emotions and scares like a real life situation would do.
I have the same awful feeling inside of me, same regrets for stuff I did, or not did.
Same sadness that I have a feel like this, and same feel like I have when I feel lonely

This game is dangerous, its fascinating, its scary, its useful, its safe, its unsafe, I don’t know, but a part of me will not back there as I see a danger, but part of me want as it might help me and people seems friendly and maybe I can learn and explore life in a safer way then real life can do me.

For now, I have to deal with the feel of total lost, the feel of making an ass of my self, and a very bad first impression.
I wish Tore was well, and awaken I need to talk and cuddle up to him, to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel like I’m worth something.

I feel worth something, but also nothing, the feelings and emotions that was awaken in my is of the bad type, so I have a hope I can stay out of SL for some time to gt back to my self – but I’m afraid I’m on my way in there again tomorrow as after all, I did have fun also.

Just wish I could do more of the stuff I like, and in a way I can control better – creating and building my world – without having to pay money I don’t have….
So, I guess Trainz will still be a part of my life – to bad I can’t merge this two – that would been the ultimate for me – to walk around in Trainz and interact (if I want to) with other people like SL was set up too – wow, that would been something.
Then I move right in – to a mountain for my self! LOL

Till next time if there will be one, tot sins!


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