13th of January 2010 – A new Foot


For those who might read and follows the story around my husband Tore and his “search” for a new left foot and part leg, the latest news are now in, and we have a new foot and leg right now standing in the room!! 🙂

Last Wednesday, the 6th of January they decided down here at Bakke Rehabilitation Center that Tore’s leg and his wound there should be able to survive a casting in plaster so they could start build his first prosthetic leg/foot.
Today the big day was finally here where he was to see, feel, try on his new foot/leg – and he been very anxious the past few days and kinda been counting down the hours in his head.

So, around ten o’clock this morning (Norway time) Tore was at the office of the physiotherapist that is assigned to him here at Bakke.
The orthopedist engineer was also there, and he took and open a big bag where Tore’s new foot was inside of it! It looked strange, large, wrongly built/dimensioned as it felt rather short, very wide at the top where the rest of the leg is to be put inside, skin colored at top, a piece looking like a foot in skin color in bottom, but rest was steel tubes and moving pieces to allow for angles and movement of the foot.
Strange feel – how Tore felt I don’t know.

It was told that this is not heavier then the foot he lost, it did feel heavier, Tore also said that when it was on his
body and not just holding it – but the engineer claimed it not to be. We know for a fact Tore lost 2,3kg from one day to the other with only the surgery and amputation in between – so we have the actually weight loss. 🙂

There was lot of talk, showing, stuff – but then the foot was clicked on, and Tore was given a “preachers chair” on wheels to hold on to when he for the first time in 6 weeks once again stood on two feet!!
Lovely sight, must been wonderful and weird for him I imagined.

This evening, 6 weeks ago was the last time Tore took some walk around on his two feet, now, at least for a few minutes today, he could walk around again – that is magic nearly! 🙂
Six weeks ago he could walk without support, now he needs support and training, but in maybe 6 more weeks that might not be needed anymore maybe…
It’s wonderful – but life will not go back to where it was.

It is a new life, new challenges, new lot of stuff – but, he has a foot now, and while only few minutes every day is allowed to use that foot to train up and allow the skin to adjust and heal for the task ahead of allowing tore to walk around again, we will get there!

I’m proud of my husband, it is not the brave wonderful man I saw near end of last year – but I see a man still struggling to make the best he can to get on his feet again, and a man a little more scared then the other, but that also means most likely more safe then the other.
Which is good.

Tore has maybe walked 20-30 meters today, among those maybe around 10-15 meters backward, and everyone seem to think he did great – which I find great!!

Tomorrow exercise starts up with a few more things on his feet, maybe Friday night if body is OK with the foot we will be allowed to do a few more exercises, including the evening by our self.
Only time will tell, but for now – a great day!

For me too, I got a package today with stuff from a seller in Colorado with some great Victor photographs – wonderful, both Tore and me got presents today… 🙂

Till next time, take care


Categories: Misc

5th of January 2010 – and changing time is here


I will not claim to be friends really with Tore again, there is this trust issue at hand, but we get along, which is the good part.
I still is on the look out for the devil in there, but I can see/feel some of the pieces of the good soul in Tore starting from time to time to build it self up again, but, it is not the great person I had the wonderful luck of spending a few weeks with near end of 2009, he’s dead and gone for good… 😦

I only hope that the one growing inside of Tore now, slowly growing, very slowly – will turn out to be as strong, good to him self, and the surroundings as possible, but knowing what lives in there I will try to not have my hopes up to high as what happen around the changeover from 2009 till 2010 was a scary thing.
I had expected something like that to happen, but not as bad and awful as it did turn out, there I must admit I got caught by surprise.

Today I’ve been busy packing up stuff, as we close in on the time we need to get going the stress level in my body increases, and things can easily become heated so I hope we can manage to stay on top of things and emotions.

Tore seems OK, the wound has healed slowly since a few days before New Year, I saw it last time the 2nd of January and it had hardly changed from the 30th of December.
I guess that might relay back to the situation he put his own body into those days and days after…

He had a fall yesterday due to not caring to check to see if his wheelchair had the brakes on – which it did not… – but I think it went OK, I see nothing through the bandages so I keep my hope up.

Over the last week or so, if you look away from 4 or so days of hell, things at home has become a routine and it seems like Tore is more or less inside the house able to get around and do most of the stuff he wants, without help from me.
I assume that is a good feel for him, it is for me.

When we now go to Bakke, he will get into a room where he can use only his wheelchair to get around from bed to bathroom and rest of the room – making it a little easier as he don’t have to get up and jump around a few jumps every time he needs the bathroom or want to go to bed…
The other side of that is that he needs to keep to the exercises he has to have way better then he did this Christmas break, because here at home, he was to lazy and not caring about him self enough to bother do them…
Gentle reminding did hardly nothing, more push and we ended up in hell…

All in all, life is not as good as it could have been, but there is hope, a slimmer one then I like, but hope.
The hope for Tore to walk again on the other hand, from what I think, it is high, very high – I just don’t have much hope for our marriage and time together… 😦

Till next time, take care, and thank you for reading this.


Categories: Misc

It's 2010 – and I hate it!!

01 Jan 2010 1 comment


Of course, like 2008/2009, the last day of 2009 I hat to meet the asshole again, my husband, my brave great wonderful husband crawled back into his hole and up raised the devil again!

I hate feeling like this, I hate being back till the morning and midday of the 9th October 2009, just before the ambulance came and brought Tore to the hospital where he weeks later found him self…

I hate knowing that this will never stop.

I hate knowing that in order to help him the best I can, I seem to have to go away, for good – and he hates me for wanting to go away!
I don’t want to, but I feel I have to – there is a big difference there.

I know my self, very good, I know there is a big fucking devil inside of me, and it is fed by the devil in Tore, the one that makes Tore care nothing about him self, to run his as into the ground, to treat me like a servant, and so on…

I tried my best for days to avoid this feelings, I felt them grow, I felt them coming, I tried earlier today, I let some of it loose, I tried stopping it, but I couldn’t…

Tore is bringing out the worse in me, and I wish he could bring out the best like he done for some weeks now.

I try to bring my best, to focus on my best, to be my best, but I can’t when I’m out of energy and all energy I get is bad energy…
I can’t fight this for ever, I just can’t

So, here we are, it is 2010 here in Norway, and what should have been a good time is bad, real bad.

And, in 3 days, the 4th, Tore is suppose to go away for up to 8 weeks at a rehabilitation place, I was suppose to be with him, right now, I don’t think that is possible…

I hate this year already, and it is only 8 minutes new…

Take care world, you all need it


Categories: Misc

Husband update, 26 Dec – Tore's own words!


This is written 25 days after I came to the hospital to have my operation. Since that day many thoughts have rushed through my head.
I was pretty well prepared on what was about to happen, but I felt that I still needed some more information. Both my wife and I are very information hungry.

One thing was sure though, I had made the right decision. There seemed to be no way they could save my foot, so an amputation was inevitably. I simply had no other choice.
What I was unsure about was if this really was the right time? I thought so myself. Now they would amputate just 6 inches below the knee, if I waited longer it could have been all the way up to my thigh. And that would have been far worse.

When we arrived at the hospital the first day was a bummer. We had the impression that the operation would take place the next day, instead it was put off one day further into the future.
That blew my mind really; I was so set that the operation would take place the following day that everything else was just another blow to my mind.
And the doctor that received us did not seem very cooperative.

Anyway, the show went on and I was on the operation table on Thursday, December 3rd.
Before that they had given me epidural in the spine in order to keep me sedated.
But things happened, I wasn’t completely sedated. I had a short period when I was awake and felt the pain of the knife. I said something and moved my leg, and I heard the surgeon say that I needed full sedation.

The first night after the operation was probably the worst night in my life. I had never felt so much pain before. And there was especially one hour in the morning that was horrible. There seemed to be no way the nurses could keep me calm.
Later thing became more normal. I was on my feet (foot) twice less than 24 hours after the operation. I was determined that I should make it through and back to a normal life again.

I started physiotherapy almost right away. It was exhausting, but also fun at times. I had supervision normally once a day, but I also limped along in a walking frame whenever I felt for it.
All this time I was accompanied by my lovely wife.

I had one serious accident though, and that happened four days after the operation. I was about to sit down in my wheelchair when I was putting my butt too close to edge and I fell on the floor.
This became serious as I opened up the wound from the operation and the surgeon had to come back and stitch me up again. I have been much more careful since then, although I still push my limits.

I stayed in the hospital for almost two weeks. These days after the operation were much more pleasant than the first four. I had a good time at the hospital.
They had a good staff that took good care of me, and with my wife along my side all the time, it was almost fun.

But I had to leave, and on Monday, December 14th, we left for a rehabilitation facility 90 miles further south.
The reception there was not very pleasant. I had the permission to bring my wife along, but it soon seemed that they didn’t like that she stayed there with me.
But my wife is a part of me, and wants to follow me every step along my way to full recovery. I simply had to have her there.
She documents in words, pictures and video what I do and how I’m doing it.
As time progressed they became more used to my wife being there, and two nurses expressed great pleasure in hearing that she would be there with me all the time. I like it that way.

I exercised once or twice a day during the week I stayed at the rehabilitation facility.
Then came Christmas and they closed down for the holidays. We had to go home, or in my case, to a small local hospital.
We headed north on December 22nd.

On our way north we stopped by the hospital and met with the surgeon that did my operation. She wanted to take a look at the wound and see how it healed.
She was so pleased with what she saw that she decided to take the stitches there and then. That was two days ahead of schedule. She even removed the extra stitches she did 15 days earlier.

We were well received at the local hospital, but there was something about the atmosphere there that gave me the critters. I didn’t like what I saw.
After some discussions with myself and my wife, we decided to go to our house anyway, even if it was filled up with various things and not at all fitted for a man dependent on a wheelchair. We decided we could make it livable for me with a few modifications.

And here we are. It’s been four says since we came here and it works out for me to be there.
Some arrangements had to be done, but it wasn’t too much.
You see, in addition to my wheelchair I have brought with me a walking frame and a pair of crutches. So I manage.

We have to go down to the hospital every three days though, in order to change the bandages on my amputated foot and to take some tests. But we can live with that.
We will go back to the rehabilitation facility on January, 4th.

During the time since I left for the hospital the first time on October, 9th, my wife and I have become much closer.
We do our best to come through this together, and when it’s finally over I think we are stronger than ever as a couple.
We have had our arguments, and I believe we will still have them in the future, but this time they can only make us stronger.
We had a very heavy one on the second day at the rehabilitation facility, but we came out of it, even if it took some time.

At this time both of us and our cat suffer from cabin fever. We are stuck in the house because of too much snow.
And I, with only one leg, can’t do a fucking thing about it.
All this kind of work that I used to do, my wife have to do now.
No wonder that I love her.

Tore B.

Categories: Misc

Husband update, 26 Dec – Home for time being

26 Dec 2009 2 comments


I’m pretty sure I write this only for my own good, but in case there is anyone reading this that have a interest in either me or my husband Tore – here is the latest happenings.

Tore is still brave, good, his health is improving, the mood is mostly on the up side, there are some days, or part of days that are heavy days, empty days, long days – but we have some good times, great times, lovely times, funny times, and all kind of times too, to look back at.

Sunday, the 13th of December for instance was a great day – at least in what the memory of it says, but I think I safely can stand by it too.
It was a day the sun was coming out for a long lovely visit after days without the sun. The ground was white with snow, and it was cold – but the sun made it all appear like a dreamland and all looked great and the mind was blooming and the world looked like a great place to be in.
Even for Tore and me, we decided to take a road trip that day, the hospital said it was OK, so I took Tore in his wheelchair down to the parking garage where I had the car parked, got him in the car (we have a high car, in Norway it is a Ford Galaxy car) where he can slide right into the seat when he stands up, perfect for our situation now.
I can easy fit the wheelchair in the back of the car, without worry and having to do anything with the chair except put it into the car. 🙂
And, what do you know, Tore actually thought it was a good idea to drive home to the cabin a short trip, even if it meant he had to stay in the car as there is no way to get him into our dwelling except crawling on his ass up the stairs from the ground and into the hall – not a good idea, so he staid in the car.
The neighbor watching over the cat came up and kept Tore company while I was collecting a few items for my self and said hello to the cat and all.
I did all this as I knew the next days we, Tore and I, was to head south into the unknown world of a Rehabilitation center where we where to spend the next 8 days before Christmas closes the doors and we had to go away for 14 days.
My brave husband, was home with no chance of ever get home inside of the house – that is willpower and determination in my book, I found the situation hard on my feelings, and I can walk in, he stayed in the car, we had a lovely trip, the cat was to afraid of getting kicked out to be willing to be in the car and say hello to Tore, she ran right into the cabin again. 🙂
The whole day was a uplifting day in my soul, and I was proud of Tore and his power to make life work!
And, it was a good exercise in how it was to be in the car with only one leg – we pulled a small pillow type with us when we left, to help support his shorter left leg as the one hour trip from the hospital to the cabin did feel a little stressful for a leg with no support.
The trip did Tore great too it seemed.

Next day, we was checking out of the hospital, took 4 hours more then needed in our books as no doctor was around to actually sign Tore out…
There was some bad feels finally when we left, some hints and parts of the old Tore that made me feel very badly and treated like a servant more then a loving and caring wife that put my life on hold for him – so that unfortunately put its mark on the 2 hours trip from the hospital and down to the Rehabilitation center called Bakke, south of a town called Halden southeast in Norway, almost in Sweden, alongside a fjord called Iddefjorden.
I even added on to that trip by the fact I had to buy a wireless modem for the laptop, and as it turned out, that was a bad call as the speed I was able to get down there was poor, if I was lucky, I got 11kbps of speed… 😦

We came there after darkness set in on Monday afternoon, around 16:30 in the afternoon I think it was, not the best of friends, not the worst of enemies, but lot of feelings.
I my self never felt welcomed down there, it was like the system look down on people having their loved ones with them, like I was in the way, like I was keeping the system from healing Tore the way they want to…
Already the next day, Tuesday Tore was doing the first exercises, I asked the physiotherapist that was assigned to Tore if I can join in – she looked strange at me, but said I could (but I learned later she really did not like me there… :-()

To me, she appears not like a good people person, but she looks to be very good at her job, she is brave, already that morning she put Tore on an exercise bike, much to our surprises and delight – but she also told me more or less to leave the area, which I did not do as Tore and I want to share this experience together he told me many times.
I want to as it helps me deal with the situation, and it helps me to understand both Tore, and some of his struggles as I’m there to see and feel it with him – and I’m very certain it some day will help in some way when some of the bad days catch up with him/us.
Later that day, I however, had the worst day in my entire life – which is very strange as I have had some rough times when I was much younger and felt my life was no more.

The feelings I put into this with Tore is both very interesting, strange, frustrating, but also scary, annoying, impossible to grasp, to see where they come from, to understand – but that is why I’m so fascinated about them.
But, this Tuesday afternoon, after Tore and I had been to some other exercise together – Bench training, and Tore had been very happy for me to try understand him and let my left foot hang loose and not touch ground/bench or anything – we met up with this physiotherapist again for the first meeting they have with new people coming into this place.
And, this awful person kicked me right out!! 😦
She did not want to listen to me saying I been there all the way with Tore, she did not ask Tore what he wanted, she just said, this is how it is always done and did not listen anymore!
I was sitting on the hall for 70 minutes crying my eyes out, struggling with my feelings, to understand, to grasp that Tore still say one thing and do another. Had he wanted me there like he said before and after, he would have said something my mind tells me, but he just rolled over for the system and I hate him for that, I hate him for the way he made me feel, but I still love him too – and I wanted to go home.
Not because of him, but because the feelings inside of me of betrayal, of being locked out of his life and still expected to support him with no knowledge about what is happening makes me so frustrated and angry that I know my way of dealing with those feelings is not a thing I should expose Tore for in his situation – and the moment this awful asshole of a person finally left Tore’s room I had to seek comfort in Tore’s arms as I was nearly fully dissolved into a big pile of emotions and nothing else.
She saying she was sorry and had no knowledge about the situation between Tore and me helped nothing as I had been locked out for 70 minutes and all it had taken was for them to open the door and invite me in if she was so sorry…
I did not want to take this out on Tore, but for all my struggle and fight, it ended like that – and what I said and what he heard was totally different.
He heard me wanting to leave him, he got afraid, and made the situation way worse, and the good man I had found again in the hospital was back in the ground and the devil I been fighting for 6 years was again inside of my beloved husband’s body and fought me hard.
The last month or so of good times, all the good stuff been built up, it was smashed into pieces, and by Wednesday morning nothing was left of our relationship except bitter anger and hard words and all that stuff that was between us the same day he came into the hospital on October 9th 2009…
He had the same stupid awful disrespectful reaction – and I was starting to pack to leave as I can’t stand 6 more years of fighting…

He went to breakfast, originally we where suppose to go to Oslo today for two appointments Tore had, one with a skin specialist for a regular checkup after Tore have had skin-cancer removed a few years ago, but this devil in his body, he don’t care about anything but hiding and running away.
So, there I was in the room, almost ready to give up – and a feel came over me, 6 years fighting, can’t give it up yet, one last try, go to the breakfast and see what happen.
So I did – not to much happy, but not to much sad either – and I fought, and I dug my husband up!!

We never got to Oslo, we never got back to where we where before this fatal Tuesday afternoon – but we managed to get some of the feel back.
I was keeping away from his morning exercise as I want to kill this physiotherapist that kicked me out and don’t fully trust my self – beside, Tore seemed to not want me there even if he say otherwise (the trust that was built up is gone you see :-() – but we had the one on the early afternoon together (The Bench type one), and on the evening when most people was in the rooms or so, after 20:00 Tore and I was in the exercise room and I was doing what he did in the morning, without using my left leg – this was to cheer him up and motivate him. And, we had many laugh’s out of it, and a understanding in small way of Tore’s new life
It was some hard times emotionally, I never felt welcomed except by two nurses that seemed to see and understand the effect I have on Tore emotionally as a good thing – they made me feel liked, and of course Tore from time to time.

We had our time together, I do love this man, he do impresses me, very much, and I find in him tons of energy and braveness, and all kind of stuff I hope one day to be able to remember if I ever find my self in a similar position as Tore is in.
He has what it takes to make this work, and as he learns about him self and how he works in an emotionally way, he will grow damn strong!

The 22nd of December we left Bakke, was by the hospital to get signed in as Tore was suppose to be spending Christmas and New Year at a extended part of the hospital about 30 minutes from our cabin (but, we no place for me at the nights) – and to have his wound checked by the surgeon.

It was a fun visit that part, the surgeon called Tore as we where going through the door into the hospital – so when we arrived at the part where she wanted to see us, she was already standing there with a big nice smile on her face and holding the doors open for us!
Even better smile after she had open the bandages, she liked what she saw, and even if it was only 19 days since surgery and the stitches is suppose to be in for 21 days she decided to take them out!
Even the ones she put in 4 days after the surgery when Tore had his first fall and open up 6 stitches…
15 days old, and she took them too! She loved the look of the wound, clean, healthy, no signs of infection or anything – perfect!!

Not so perfect ending of that day, we came to Stensby Sykehus, and while we both knew we could not be together there, it suddenly hit Tore in his stomach, big time, hard time.
He was given a double room, with another patient, and suddenly it was to much for him.
Tore don’t feel sick, just have a little problem walking around right now, and here he is treated like he is sick…

It all boiled down to me saying to Tore let us try home, if that feels better for you. It teared me apart seeing him like this, and not being able to say, do or help in any ways.
I was so sure I could solve any technically issues of being home, that day the “city” had sent a man up to our cabin with a few “help things” like a smaller chair like a office chair with brakes on them, some handles and a shower chair.
In the car we had beside the wheelchair an “walker” (walking frame) and a pair of crutches – so I was certain I should be able to get him around to the most essential parts of the cabin.
Trouble was to get him in, only way was crawl on his ass up the 0,5 meter high staircase and into the hall floor – but as it turned out, this was a better way for his mood/emotions then being left alone in that double room at the hopsital…

Tore was a brave man this evening, in the darkness of the evening, he got out of his wheelchair, tried his best to be brave enough to jump the steps, but decided it was unwise, got down on his knees, to hard, and turned on his ass, and got up the steps and into the door and into the hall quite fast.
I closed the door, we where HOME!!
Now, to get him up…

I cleaned away a few things, went out and found the chair the maintenance guy had left at our place earlier that day, put that on the inside of Tore, and with lot of strength, use of the door and me, he got up on his foot – Wow!
That felt good, down into the chair, I dragged him in to the living room, and unto the couch – yeah, we’re home, and it feels great!!!

Since that evening, where I even was able to get to sleep in the same bed again (only sleep, no other stuff) we been here.
I been cleaning up, moving stuff around, figuring out solutions, Tore been having a small obstruction track to move from living room to toilet/bathroom, to Kitchen and bedroom – but he done it!!
It is exercise on a high level – and the first day home I built a small ramp on the outside so he got to experience the joy of being dragged out of the door with his back towards me and no idea what he was about to experience he got safely down to the ground and into the car – brave you are Tore!
Love you!!

Since that we have had trouble with snow, and a poorly laid bandage yesterday we need to solve somehow as it is coming loose. From yesterday night and all day we been snowing inn – and tomorrow I need to dug us out, good thing I bought earlier this winter a snow cutter with a motor on it, going to need as we have about 30-40cm of snow outside now…

There you have it, a long journey taking us till today.

Till next time, take care


Categories: Misc